The sex talk. At this stage in the game, most of us have had it with our teenagers and most tweens.
I would like to invite you to take that talk a step further to discuss something else - consent. You see, when I've had conversations with my kids, I've primarily focused on discussing it with an understanding of consent between both parties. And I've learned recently the importance of understanding what consent means.
- What is consent? Although the legal definition varies by state, the general definition of consent is "an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity." * For younger children, this could also mean speaking up that they don't want to be touched in any way that's uncomfortable for them, whether it's a simple hug or a slap on the behind in the hallway.
- The situation doesn't provide consent. Flirting at a party or holding hands at the movies doesn't indicate consent for more. Likewise, kissing doesn't provide permission to touch another part of the body. And even if your teenager finds him-/herself in a situation that appears that the "go-ahead" is given (perhaps in a bedroom or somewhere else away from the public), it's still not consent.
- Withdrawing consent. Once your tween or teen understands consent, it's important for your child to know that if it's an intimate activity, he or she can change his or her mind at any time. Going on a date doesn't indicate an invitation to kiss. A kiss isn't necessarily an invitation for more.
- Past experience. If your child has taken the leap to intimacy with a girlfriend or boyfriend, the past activity doesn't provide permission for future activity.
It is also important that your son or daughter understand consent in the role of the pursuer. Your child must understand that, if, at any point, their partner says "no" or "stop," they need to stop the pursuit of the activity. Sure, it can appear that "she wanted it," or "he came on to me," or "she let me in her room," but, ultimately, a partner's wishes must be respected. Help them to understand the potential physical, mental, emotional, and legal consequences.
All sides need to recognize that the following are NOT consent*:
- Assuming that wearing certain clothes, flirting, or kissing is an invitation for anything more
- Someone being under the legal age of consent, as defined by the state (check your state's age of consent here)
- Someone being incapacitated because of drugs or alcohol
- Pressuring someone into sexual activity by using fear or intimidation
- Assuming you have permission to engage in a sexual act because you’ve done it in the past
For additional information and access to a national hotline or anonymous chat, visit www.rainn.org or call 800.656.HOPE.
*Source: RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
